


to the boy i fell in love with, (when i close my eyes, i still see you)

by soobasaur



Series: r/UnsentLetters [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Barista Kim Seungmin, Dancer Hwang Hyunjin, Dancer Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin & Yang Jeongin | I.N are Best Friends, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Hyunin Best friends, Hyunjin has a shitty home life, Hyunjin is cries a lot in this, I'm a slut for angst I love how this fic has so much pain, Kim Seungmin is Whipped, M/M, Mentioned Bang Chan, Very minor Hyunlix like it's insinuated, beta read but not really, like all felix does is smile and shake hyunjins hand and the guy is on his knees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:02:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29034342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soobasaur/pseuds/soobasaur
Summary: Dear Seungmin,I’ll remember you fondly.Whenever I think of you tears used to never fail to find their way to his eyes, but it’s a feeling of nostalgia. I not only lost my lover, but also my best friend.But I’m positive I’ll find you in another lifeFind me when we’re both less broken. Find me when the world isn't so painful for you to bear. Maybe in the next life, your pain won't consume you.In this life, I'll continue to live without you. Everyday is a day that I'll have to accept. I'll never have you, never speak to you. It will last for however long I continue to breathe in this life. Everyday, I'll let the disbelief that you're really gone wash over me.In another life, I'll know it all - then cut my heart open for you.Sometimes, I'm upset at how unfair life can be. I have only breadcrumbs of you, and who you were. It was too early, and it was too late. You were suffering so far away, and I couldn't reach you.If this pain is the price I have to pay for having found a long lost part of me, then I'll accept that. Because even if that part is now lost, I know it existed.I love you Seungmin.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Series: r/UnsentLetters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2130024
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	to the boy i fell in love with, (when i close my eyes, i still see you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [joonhearted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/joonhearted/gifts).



> hi! so this is a /very/ late birthday gift to my friend ara so i hope she enjoys this!!
> 
> uhm before u start reading it's kinda fast paced in the sense that ur reading hyunjins letter essentially and him looking back at his memories, so the italicized parts are his letter. 
> 
> this is inspired by a reddit forum, hence the series name, so keep a look out for more reddit inspired fics!
> 
> i'm attached to the characters in this fic so i'm happy for u to meet them :D this is sort of beta read but not really so if there's any mistakes just give me a day or two ill have reread it by then <3
> 
> enjoy!

_Dear Seungmin,_

_I miss you. I think about you every day. I thought I’d be over you by now. I’m moving forward, but I’m not moving on. I’m scared that the moment I meet someone new, you’ll come back and sweep me off my feet._

Hyunjin grew sick of hospitals by the age of seven.

The overwhelming smell of bleach always seemed to fill the air, and if he stood still long enough it felt as if the looming white walls were mocking him, closing in on him as he could only helplessly stare on.

What really terrified him was what was behind those walls, the fact that it could hold someone laughing out of relief or someone breaking down with sobs. The anonymity of it all made his head spin.

Hyunjin never really did like surprises, but after experiencing one after another, he slowly grew numb to the feeling.

On his fifth birthday party, his dad had thrown him a surprise party, causing young hyunjin to cry out of sheer embarrassment due to his social anxiety. His seventh birthday wasn’t any better, he spent it with his knees to his chest as he sadly poked at a stale piece of chocolate cake from the vending machine, sitting on the floor of a dreary hospital hallway. all while in front of the door which held his nearly dead mother.

The night before his sixteenth birthday he was woken up to the sound of broken glass, and the sight of his father on the floor surrounded by shards, his back racking with sobs. 

And the morning of his sixteenth birthday, he found out his mother had passed away in her sleep.

Hyunjin didn’t cry, he was too used to the searing pain exploding inside him, threatening to spill out. but one look at his father’s lifeless face told him to stay quiet and hold a blank expression.

Out of the two men, he left the man of the house.

Hyunjin spent the next year of his youth juggling after school jobs to let his father off the hook. but one year turned into two and then three and then to Hyunjin teaching himself how to take care of them and their home, if he could even call it that anymore. 

After several google searches he managed to figure out how to calculate their taxes and budget their money well. He'd been forced to mature faster than he’d have liked and lost touch with kids his age, leaving him with no social skills as he entered his college years. 

He’d lost his parents both physically and mentally. 

  
  
  


_I always wanted a second chance with you, more time to kiss you, love you, and adore you. I don’t want the past. I want us in the here and now. How many days and years do I have to live until I see you again?_

  
  


After seeing all the pain that came with falling in love, Hyunjin decided it was of his best interest to not pursue it. what could he possibly gain from throwing his heart out onto a silver platter, offering it to whoever wanted his pathetic self?

That was until he met Kim Seungmin. 

|| ||

Hyunjin was running late for class.

He wasn’t usually this late, it was just that that very morning he had gotten back to his dorm very late after visiting his dad back at home to make sure the man wasn’t drowning himself in alcohol.

Spoiler: he was.

And that was how he forced his dad to bed and lugged all the alcohol bottles to his car and spent his own money buying groceries for his dad, sticking to easy microwaveable meals and frozen treats. He knew stocking up the fridge with vegetables was a waste since they would sit there collecting dust until Hyunjin visited once again.

It was just enough for his dad to eat something, let alone it be healthy or not.

He had spent that morning trying to dump the alcohol in the dumpster bins behind the school as inconspicuous as possible, but he had encountered a couple kids who decided to go out for a smoke, and ended up just giving the bottles to them.

To say he was having a bad week would be an understatement.

So when he was on his way to class, trying to walk as fast as possible without looking like a madman, and someone had the audacity to shove shoulders with him and knock him backwards onto his ass he couldn’t hold in his rage.

“I’m so sorry, can I help-”

“Shut the hell up,” Hyunjin muttered, shoving away the hands seeking help and pulled himself up, ignoring how he stumbled before leaning down to pick up the textbook he dropped, coming back up to give the stranger a piece of his mind.

“Watch where you're going,” Hyunjin glared, ignoring how the albeit cute stranger looked down dejectedly, resembling a kicked puppy.

But Hyunjin was friends with Jeongin, he was practically immune to puppy eyes at this point in time.

“It’s not that fucking hard to look out for people in the halls,” Hyunjin scolded, and once satisfied with himself he turned around and walked off, ducking down as he sneaked his way into class.

|| ||  
  


Right after his professor had dismissed him for class he stormed off to his usual go-to cafe for lunch, plopping himself in a booth at the back and slamming his head on the table, ignoring the stares he felt across his back.

“Uh, can I get you anything?” he heard a timid voice ask from his right, causing Hyunjin to slowly raise his head up and raising his eyebrows at the familiar face.

“You again,” Hyunjin blurted out, pointing a finger at him. “You gonna spill coffee on me or something?”

“I- no,” the brown haired boy replied, clutching his notepad tightly, “I’m just here to take your order.”

“Can you give me a will to live,” Hyunjin muttered, resting his head in his arms once again, his long black hair shielding him from onlookers. 

“Unfortunately we don’t carry that here, but we might have something close. Hang in there till I come back,” and with that the jittery male scurried off as Hyunjin was left to think about what the fuck he was about to be served.

He hadn’t realized he’d fallen asleep until he was woken up by the smell of chocolate wafting up his nose, causing him to shoot up as he licked his lips at the sight in front of him.

There was a pretty slice of what looked to be Black Forest cake along with an iced americano.

And sitting across from him was the same shy waiter from before, the plaque on his chest reading _Kim Seungmin_.

“Whoah, what’s all this?” Hyunjin asked, his voice a little slurred due to just waking up.

He picked up a fork and picked at the cake, bringing a piece to his mouth as his eyes widened in surprise, the warm flavor encompassing him in delight as he happily went in for more.

“You seemed like you had a rough day, and take this as an apology for running into you earlier. Everything here is on the house,” Seungmin explained, letting out a tentative smile.

“Thank you,” Hyunjin grinned, his cheeks puffed up due to him eating, “Sorry for scolding you, I swear I’m not mean.” Hyunjin quickly started to explain, shoving pieces of cake in between his words, “I-

“It’s okay Hyunjin.” the other boy smiled, “I get it-,”  
  
“How do you know my name,” Hyunjin mused, stopping to sip some coffee before he started to choke.

“Oh, I uh think we have a mutual friend? His name is Chan? Anyways, I kinda have to go to my shift bye-,” and with that the younger scurried away, Hyunjin raising his hand to wave bye.

It wasn’t until he was half way through his cup of coffee did he realize he didn’t have a friend named Chan.

_When I read stories about couples getting back together, I wonder if that will be us. Do we have to grow apart to grow back together? Will you fall in and out of love with others before finally choosing me?_

It took a couple more days of Hyunjin going to the cafe for lunch and sitting with Seungmin to develop a tiny crush on him.

By tiny he meant very, very tiny.

Tiny as in his heart fluttered every time the other directed a smile at him, and his stomach did somersaults whenever he received a welcoming hug.

The two had quickly become friends after their initial encounter, apparently they both did have a mutual friend. It just wasn’t Chan, but Jeongin.

“Can you buy me a scone,” the younger pouted as Hyunjin held the cafe door open for him, rolling his eyes fondly as Jeongin’s eyes lit up at the sight up the menu.

“Fine, just this once,” Hyunjin replied as always, smiling as the younger skipped into line, grabbing the elder’s hand out of instinct as he pointed to the one he wanted.

“Hey Seungmin,” Jeongin smiled as he greeted the other boy, listing off his order. 

“Hi Seungmin,” Hyunjin grinned, his smile faltering at the lack or response he received, failing to notice how the barista’s eyes were locked on his and Jeongin’s intertwined hands.

“Your order will be ready in a bit,” Seungmin smiled, going into the back to fetch their food. Before Hyunjin could call out to him to ask what’s wrong Jeongin led him to their usual booth and plopped down across from him, playing with the rings on Hyunjin’s fingers as they waited for their food.

|| || ||

“Here’s your order,” Seungmin announced, a tight lipped smile on his face as he placed their coffee down harshly, the coffee sloshing out a bit as the barista turned around and slid back into the kitchens.

“Hyung seems stressed,” Jeongin pouted, latching his fingers onto the mug and pulling it towards it, letting the hot steam come out and through his nose.

“Yeah, he does.” Hyunjin muttered, looking towards the kitchens.

It was after that encounter Hyunjin realized Seungmin acted differently when he and Jeongin came to the shop together.

He brought this up to his friend Jisung, who brushed it off as Seungmin being jealous of the two of them, and everything quickly fell into place.

Did Seungmin like Hyunjin the way he did?

Hyunjin got his answer a couple weeks later.

It took him an entire two weeks before he could muster up enough courage to ask the other out, it took a couple bonks on the head from Jisung and a pair of puppy eyes from Jeongin for the elder to strut up to the counter and give an awkward grin as Seungmin typed in his usual order.

“Uh, wait I uhm kinda wanna try something new today?”, Hyunjin said, but it came out more like a question.

“Which would be?” Seungmin asked, quickly deleting the previous order he typed up.

“You.” Hyunjin finger guns, throwing in a wink as he was met with agonizing silence, before the younger burst into laughter.

“Are you asking me out on a date, Hyunjin?”, Seungmin smiled, covering his mouth with his sweater paws.

“And if I am?” Hyunjin winked, leaning forward to grab one of the younger’s hands and move it away from his face.

“I’d say yes.”

_Why does it have to be this way?_

Hyunjin had never felt more joy then he did with Seungmin, the male made him feel like he was reliving his childhood in a better light. He felt so carefree, as if he could finally smile without worrying about his home life.

It always seems as if Hyunjin was running out of luck though, before he could even grasp the prospect of being elated his world crumbled once again.

“Why’d you flake on me yet again,” Hyunjin deadpanned after Seungmin let him into his apartment, the elder roughly undoing his tie as he stomped his way into the younger’s living room.

“This is the second time in a row Seungmin, if you don’t want to be with me anymore just say so I’m-,”

“I was at the hospital,” Seungmin whispers, wringing his hands together nervously as he watched Hyunjin slowly even his breathing.

“You were what?” the elder whispers, “are you okay?,” his earlier anger immediately forgotten as he watched how fidgety Seungmin had become. 

“I-I’ve been struggling with cystic fibrosis,” 

_My hope fades a little bit everyday. I miss what we could have been, the future we’ll never have, but maybe we were never meant to be._

It started slowly, at first it was Hyunjin adapting to not being able to go out with his boyfriend anymore, and set up stay at home dates for the both of them.

Then it started to fall apart, their relationship became them walking on eggshells around the other, ignoring the problem at hand. But Hyunjin couldn’t ignore Seungmin not being able to be left alone anymore.

He tried not to let his hands shake as he brought him a glass of water to his bed, where he had been lying for the past week. He bit his thumb in the shower to conceal his sobs. He hid the hurt he felt when seungmin refused to try the chocolate cake he spent hours on making, saying he felt nauseous just looking at it. 

It was only when Seugmin crumpled to the ground after not eating properly for a couple days was when they both started to take things more seriously. 

_The timing wasn’t on our side. Maybe we were meant to cherish what we had and let go of the fantasy._

“Good Afternoon,” Hyunjin greeted, walking into Seungmin’s apartment, hanging the keys on the hook by the door as he shrugged his jacket off. “What do you wanna do today babe? And if you say watch Mulan again I might just combust we’ve watched that movie so many times this week I’ve practically memorized the script-,”

Hyunjin turned around and stopped rambling to be met with a solemn Seungmin sitting on the couch with his legs crossed.

  
  


“What’s wrong? Do you need anything? Let me grab a glass of-,” the elder started, making his way towards the kitchen when Seungmins stood up and held his arm out to go stop him.  
  
“I think you should go home Hyunjin, back to your place,” Seungmin replied monotonously, keeping a straight face as he pointed a hand towards the door.

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin quieted, taking note of the look on Seungmin’s face.

“You can’t keep coming here anymore,” the younger repeated, his voice sounding resigned as he looked up to meet eyes with the elder, “I can’t see you anymore...I can’t do us anymore.” Seungmin ended, stuttering through his words before he went quiet.

“No...you can’t, you need me I-you, I love you Seungmin,” Hyunjin stumbled, his voice cracking as tears threatened to spill over. “Don’t leave me, what did I do?” Hyunjin sniffled, not noticing the tears running down his face, roughly rubbing his eyes.

“I’m suffocating you,” Seungmin glared, “Right after class or work you come straight to me to take care of me and I _hate_ it, I’m burdening you,” his voice rising as he went on. 

The younger’s hand was shaking as he pointed towards the door, his lips being gnawed on as he tried his best to keep his composure. But Hyunjin knew him too well.

“Baby,” Hyunjin murmured, reaching out to grab ahold of the other’s hand in his own, “you’re not burdening me I _want_ to be here for you, I want you to get better,” the elder cried out, his heartbeat pounding to his ears as his mind processed. How could Seungmin feel like he was burdening Hyunjin? The elder only wanted what was best for the younger. 

“You shouldn’t be here,” Seungmin whimpered, “you should be-,”  
  
“No.” Hyunjin interrupted, trying his best to keep his voice steady. “Instead of telling me to leave how about you listen to what I want, I want to be here with _you,_ I don’t want to leave and I don’t want you to think I want to leave,” the elder somehow manages, pulling the younger into a hug.

“I just want you.” he sobs, tucking his head into Seungmin’s neck, “Please don’t tell me to leave,” 

It took a few moments before Seungmin wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s waist, rubbing circles on his lower back and whispering apologies, letting the sobs die down from the elder before they both pulled away. 

“I want you too,”

  
  


_I love you, so much more than I realized._

  
  


It had been a couple weeks since Seungmin and him had the talk in the younger’s living room, after talking their relationship out things slowly went south. 

Hyunjin took a leave off of work and opted for online courses to stay with Seungmin as much as possible, but before he knew it it was too much for the younger and he was ordered to stay in the hospital to be under a doctor’s watch.

Hyunjin tried not to compare the déjà vu from sitting beside Seungmin’s bed to his mother’s. The familiar bags under his boyfriend’s eyes only brought tears to his eyes, but he held them back for Seungmin’s sake.

The days passed by in a whirlwind of all his friends coming in to drop off meals and Hyunjin watching his lover sleep, the occasional conversation before the younger drifted off to sleep again. The elder held a wet towel against his forehead as he let his tears fall freely when the younger was asleep.

He tried not to take count of how each time Seungmin wakes up his sentences get shorter and shorter, but it’s hard to give a blind eye to the things Seungmin can’t do anymore.

He wasn’t able to feed himself or even get up to walk anymore.

It was in the early morning when Seungmin held an empty expression on his face, his soup left untouched as Hyunjin calmly ran his hands through the other’s hair. He had gotten used to this routine, watching his lover sleep and being there to feed him when he woke up.

“Hyunjin, I think I’m gonna sleep,” Seungmin whispered, turning to look at the elder, his eye bags ever so prominent in the light filtering through the blinds. The television playing on low volume in the back, the show going unnoticed as none of them could ever focus on whatever was playing.

“Then take a nap then,” Hyunjin smiles, patting the pillow behind Seungmin.

“H-hyung, I think this is it,” the younger chokes, turning to look at the elder, reaching over to grab his hands, “I think it’s time we say goodbye.”

“No-,” Hyunjin protests, realizing what the other was insinuating. The elder gripped the Seungmin’s arms. “No, this isn’t it you can leave me yet your’e-,”

“I love you so much Hyunjin, I know it’s been rough for you but keep going even if I’m not by your side,” Seungmin continued, wiping his thumb across Hyunjin’s cheeks to get rid of the stray tears, the elder had always been the emotional one.

“You have such a good life ahead of you and you have so many people who love you, I’m always gonna be by your side when you really need it,” the younger comforted, ignoring Hyunjin’s protests on how he wasn’t leaving.  
  


“I-I love you too,” Hyunjin choked, wiping his sleeves across his eyes as Seungmin left a soft kiss on his cheeks.

“I’m gonna sleep now love,” Seungmin whispered, his voice full of exhaustion as he quickly fell asleep.

Hyunjin watched Seungmin sleep for a couple hours after that, not getting up even when his body was begging him to get something to eat.

The heart monitor beating erratically didn’t register with his brain until he felt two arms gently force him out of the room, his back slumping against the hospital hallway’s wall, the monitor coming to a stop.

Time of Death for Kim Seungmin _5:20am_

  
  
  


_I’ll never love you any less, but if it comes to it…_

Hyunjin spent the rest of his days staring into the walls during class or laying on his bed, declining his friends calls and texts, only caving in when Jeongin knocked on his door with teary eyes and a bag of fast food, begging Hyunjin to take care of himself.

It had been an entire two years and Hyunjin still felt as if someone carved a whole into his heart, he still walked around with one less skip in his step, but he was getting better.

Jeongin had convinced him into joining the university’s dance team in an attempt for Hyunjin to get an ounce of exercise, getting sick of finding the elder at home crying into a tub of ice cream.

“Hey, Hyunjin right?” he heard a low voice ask.

He looked up from where he was sitting by the mirrors to take in a male decked out in a tracksuit, holding a clipboard in one hand and a pen in another, a smile on his face as he watched Hyunjin stand up and tie his hair back.

“That’s me,” Hyunjin responded, letting his eyes count the freckles on the other male’s cheeks as he marked something down.

“Great, I’m Lee Felix! Nice to meet you,” the other blonde smiled, reaching out a hand for him to shake.

_I’ll open my heart to love someone else...but I’ll never forget you._

Hyunjin laid the bouquet of white lilies down, getting down on his knees as the dirt stuck to his jeans. He watched as the wind blew a couple petals around and settled themselves around the gravestone.

He smiled as he let his fingers grazed over the named carved into the stone, letting a single tear slip out as he got up once again.

_Thank you for some of the best times in my life._

He pulled out a thick envelope from his sweater, straightening it out in his hands as he tucked it under the bouquet, making sure to secure it before whispering a last I love you.

_I’ll remember you fondly._

_Whenever I think of you tears used to never fail to find their way to his eyes, but it’s a feeling of nostalgia. I not only lost my lover, but also my best friend._

_But I’m positive I’ll find you in another life_

_Find me when we’re both less broken. Find me when the world isn't so painful for you to bear. Maybe in the next life, your pain won't consume you._

_In this life, I'll continue to live without you. Everyday is a day that I'll have to accept. I'll never have you, never speak to you. It will last for however long I continue to breathe in this life. Everyday, I'll let the disbelief that you're really gone wash over me._

_In another life, I'll know it all - then cut my heart open for you._

_Sometimes, I'm upset at how unfair life can be. I have only breadcrumbs of you, and who you were. It was too early, and it was too late. You were suffering so far away, and I couldn't reach you._

_If this pain is the price I have to pay for having found a long lost part of me, then I'll accept that. Because even if that part is now lost, I know it existed._

_I love you Seungmin._

_Yours Truly,_

_Hwang Hyunjin_

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hi~
> 
> ik i didnt dive into seungmins condition, that's bc i don't have much knowledge on it and didn't wanna write smth that spread misinformation, and this fic was rlly fast paced so i didn't dwell on it :( its fine tho i hope the message went across 
> 
> i worked rlly hard on this so a comment would make my day!!
> 
> if u wanna be friends hmu on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/feIixsbf)  
> byebye ♥️


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